EXCLUSIVE: HARRY MANILOW ADDRESSES THE NATION — DAY AFTER CHRISTMAS PRESS CONFERENCE

Location: Somewhere between the treat aisle and the emotional support toys (AMOUNG THE AFTERMATH).

Flashing cameras. Rustling notebooks. One reporter already crying.

Reporter: Harry, thank you for speaking with us. How would you describe the state of things this morning?

Harry Manilow (adjusting imaginary tie):

Thank you. Thank you all. Please—one question at a time. I haven’t had my second sniff of the day yet.

I regret to inform the public that Christmas did not “end.”

It… collapsed gracefully.

When I arrived at the store this morning, I was confronted with what experts are already calling The Great Tinsel Reckoning.

There were bows where bows should never be.

Ornaments appeared emotionally compromised.

One rogue strand of garland was hanging on by pure spite and ambition.

Someone whispered, “It’s over.”

And I said—firmly, bravely—

“Nothing is over if I simply refuse to accept that reality.”

Reporter: Sources say you immediately assumed leadership. Can you confirm?

Harry:

Yes. I stepped forward in my official capacity as:

Supreme Commander of Post-Holiday Vibes

Interim Minister of Tinsel Affairs

Director of Clearance & Feelings

Emotional Support Employee

A Dog With Concerns

Leadership is not about titles.

It’s about standing directly in doorways so no one can pass without acknowledging your presence.

Reporter: How is morale among the staff?

Harry (softening):

They are tired.

They are brave.

They are surviving on coffee and the memory of wrapping paper.

At one point, a human attempted to fold tissue paper… and simply stared into the middle distance.

I understood immediately.

I placed my paw on the situation.

Reporter: Can you address the announcement everyone is talking about?

Harry:

Yes. This is important.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

Christmas is now on clearance.

The joy? Marked down.

The sparkle? Negotiable.

The holly? In its final form.

This means it is now legally acceptable to say:

“I shouldn’t… but it is on sale.”

This phrase is protected speech.

Reporter: We’re hearing people are still coming in, even after the holiday.

Harry:

Of course they are.

Some come to wander.

Some come to breathe.

Some come to stare into the middle distance beside a dog and feel less alone.

All of these are valid shopping styles.

If you need to:

• decompress

• giggle quietly

• sigh dramatically

• pet a certified emotional-support doodle

• pretend it’s still Christmas for five more minutes

• or whisper “what day is it” to no one at all

…I will be here.

Reporter: Final thoughts, Mr. Manilow?

Harry (standing slightly sideways, blocking an aisle):

I stand before you today carrying the weight of the season,

a little fur in my mouth,

and absolutely no regrets.

I have judged nothing.

I have accepted praise.

And I definitely did not knock over that ornament.

Come see me.

Come heal.

Come browse the discounted magic.

This has been Harry Manilow,

Acting Manager of the Aftermath,

Keeper of the Vibes,

Survivor of December.