My Steel Magnolias moment

It is me.

Harry Manilow.

Last night, I was once again required to sit through Steel Magnolias in the living room.

A movie my humans have watched far more times than any seven-month-old should be emotionally prepared for.

I was resting peacefully.

My curls were immaculate.

My silhouette was flawless.

Then we reached the scene.

The funeral.

The mirror.

The breath before bravery.

M’Lynn looked at herself and said:

“Shelby was right. It does look like a football helmet.”

The room went quiet.

Then one of my humans pointed at the TV…

slowly turned toward me…

and said:

“Harry.

That’s your hair.”

I felt my soul leave my body.

Return.

Leave again.

A FOOTBALL HELMET???

Sir.

This hair has been brushed with care.

This hair has been admired by strangers.

This hair has never known contact sports.

I stood up slowly and left the room.

Because revenge does not involve destruction.

It involves education.

Phase One: The Silent Treatment

For the rest of the evening, I refused eye contact.

I sighed heavily whenever he moved.

I repositioned myself so my curls faced away from him at all times.

Phase Two: Public Shaming

Whenever he attempted to pet me,

I gently but firmly turned my head so my curls brushed his face.

Repeatedly.

Unavoidable.

Inescapable.

Phase Three: The Helmet Demonstration

Later — when he lay down on the couch, relaxed and unsuspecting —

I climbed onto his chest.

I centered myself.

And then I lowered my entire curl dome directly onto his face.

Nose blocked.

Mouth full of hair.

Vision gone.

No harm.

Just volume.

I held eye contact the entire time.

This was not aggression.

This was a presentation.

Finally, I lifted my head, shook my curls dramatically, and walked away without acknowledgment.

Today, no one has mentioned football helmets.

No one has laughed.

Because now they understand.

If my curls resemble a football helmet…

Then it is a helmet of authority.

And it will be deployed again if necessary.

With love and restraint,

Harry Manilow

Guardian of the Curl

Ambassador of Boundaries